Something’s Not Right

 

“Something’s Not Right” by Dr. Wade Mullen provides a worthy overview and accessible introduction to abuse. This book is an excellent read for those who are questioning relationships with people or organizations such as their place of employment or school. This book is also a valuable tool for those who are willing to advocate for victims and survivors of abuse. If you are busy or maybe not a big reader, this is a great read – the chapters aren’t long, they are easy to understand and very impactful. The information inside this short book is eye-opening and full of practical knowledge useful even for teens who will soon be entering college or the workforce.

Dr. Mullen’s writing clearly explains how language and behavior can make us wonder about things being a little bit “off”. We can’t quite put our finger on what is giving us the feeling of unease - that gives evidence to the truth that abuse can be subtle and the deceiver often two steps ahead of the victim. This book is extremely educational on the specific tactics, behavior and language that abusers use. Woven through the book are Dr. Mullen’s personal experiences with abuse as well as his professional research.  His care, concern and compassion for victims and survivors of abuse is evident when he speaks to them directly telling them they may need to take breaks from this book and read it in small portions if needed for their wellbeing.

            Dr. Mullen speaks to the difficulty (often impossibility) of getting truth from an abuser. Their whole life is based on lies. He also explains the behaviors used to groom and test people. Behaviors such as flattery, asking for favors (when there is not a healthy balance between the two parties) and creating alliances are addressed. He shows how these behaviors are all based on manipulation and deceit. After the grooming takes place, abusers often begin isolating their victims – Dr. Mullen describes this as dismantling the external world of the victim. People who are victimized are isolated from relationships with family and friends, relationships with people who could objectively provide them help.

            The next few chapters in the book cover reasons why victims might not speak out, how abusers try to silence them and defense maneuvers that abusers use (denials, excuses, justifications, and comparisons). While reading the many reasons for why it is extremely difficult for victims of abuse to speak up it became very clear to me that disclosing abuse comes at an extremely high cost – so high that false accusations are extraordinarily rare. Some of the reasons victims do not disclose are as follows:

• ·         The belief that their credibility will be called into question.
• ·         A close bond with the abuser.
• ·         The fear of being blamed for the abuse.
• ·         The uncertainty and unpredictability of the response.
• ·         The fear that they will be accused for not coming forward sooner.

“Therefore, when a victim does speak out, it is usually because they are in desperate need of help or are concerned that others might be in harm’s way and are compelled to act despite the risks.” There are more reasons in the book for not speaking out and frankly, it is heart-breaking to know that many don’t come forward with disclosure of abuse because there is not a safe space for them to do so. Many means are used by abusers to keep victims silent such as intimidation, guilt trips, and threats of violence or spiritual attacks. Abusers even appeal to the compassion of their victims when fear of being discovered closes in.  

 Further in the book Dr. Mullen describes what concessions are when working with exposed abuse (from an individual or organization). Concessions are “statements made to avoid a scandal rather than a genuine apology that is intended to heal and restore.” A true apology would look like this: “It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of.” A concession would be something that casts doubt on the victims that have revealed abuse. Concessions show an abuser is unwilling to acknowledge their wrongs and shifts the blame to the victim. Abusers use concessions to ask for sympathy, to promote their own good attributes/good works, to justify their wrongs, to make excuses for their behavior, and to try appeasing rather than right a wrong.

This was the first book I read on abuse and it gives such logical common sense explanations of what abuse is. This book is about the language and behaviors of abusers in general – it is not specific to child sexual abuse or domestic abuse – but all of the concepts apply to every kind of abuse. I’d like to end with a few quotes from “Something’s Not Right”. I wish I could include everything I underlined….but then you’d have nearly half of the book!

“The best antidote to deception is truth. Silence grants evil exactly what it needs to be effective. Truth helps us speak what has been unspeakable, express what has been inexpressible, and articulate feelings for which we could not find the appropriate words. Truth helps us move from confusion to clarity and from captivity to freedom.”

“But organizations and their leaders are always faced with two choices when abuse happening on their watch comes to light: adopt truth telling and transparency, regardless of the impact on their approval, status, or image; or use the same tactics of abuse in an attempt to retain or regain legitimacy.”

“Truth must always precede confession, and an apology offered without a full acknowledgment of the truth is more likely a concession – a tactic designed to disarm a threat.”

“Each time we believe and advocate for victims, walls are broken down, truth is revealed, and hope is restored.”

“And while confronting abuse may sometimes seem unkind and unnecessarily disruptive… I must encourage you as well: if we ignore, minimize, justify, or excuse what we see to avoid disruption, then we help create space for deceivers to continue their charades –allowing their hearts to grow darker, the abuse to become serial and more innocent people to be placed in harm’s way. It is okay, and even ethical, to bring dark secrets into the light [this is our DUTY as followers of Christ - BB] provided the goal of exposure isn’t to shame the abuser just for the sake of condemnation but to expose them as an act of mercy – for the abuser’s future health and for the protection of others.”

“If leadership is governed by truth, then they will seek and speak the truth no matter the cost, because the establishment of the truth will always matter more than our establishments.”