When Home Hurts

 

When Home Hurts by Jeremy Pierre and Gregg Wilson 

 Jeremy Pierre, Ph.DLawrence & Charlotte Hoover Professor of Biblical Counseling and Department Chair at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.  

 Gregg Wilson, D.Ed.Min., LPC, is a licensed professional counselor and leads Soul Care Associates, a counseling and consulting practice in Texas.  His practice areas include counseling victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse and consulting with leaders of churches and other organizations on adopting best practices for care.

 This book is a guide for responding wisely to domestic abuse in your church and was written by experienced church leaders FOR church leaders.  The authors look at abuse from a Biblical perspective and give a step by step guide from the moment of disclosure to confronting and working with the accused.  “Our goal is not just to call you as a church leader, friend, or family member to be involved, but to show you how to be involved in ways that reflect God’s heart as displayed in His Word, and in ways that do not cause further harm.”

There are 3 sections in this book.

 Section 1: How to Understand Abuse.  This section helps to understand and discern abuse dynamics.  It also helps to understand your role as a church leader or someone that cares for victims of domestic abuse.  It  explains what abuse is from a biblical perspective and how it affects the personhood of both the victim and the abuser, and goes into detail about the devastating effects of abuse on both the victim, the abuser and the children involved.

 “Fear of failure is often the greatest enemy of righteousness.  Do not fear.  There is a secret that will make your mistakes far less likely to harm anyone else: the virtue of humility.  Humility- that is, both in awareness of your own limitations and willingness to be corrected as you go–will keep you seeking the right knowledge for wise response, both from Scripture and from those suffering under abuse.  Humility invites the grace of God.” 

 Section 2: How to Respond After the Initial Disclosure. This section of the book explains what to do when first approaching the abused and also the abuser.  It also explains the effects on children that live in a destructive home.  

 “Any appearance of change in a pattern of domestic abuse that is not sustained long-term and is not accompanied by evidence of new patterns is not repentance, and should not be judged as such.”

 “Christian ministry requires Christian realism.  Solomon warned of people who speak graciously, but disguise the destructive orientation of their heart.  Where is this deceit eventually exposed? In the assembly.  You are beginning a corrective process on behalf of God’s people, a community assembled for mutual accountability under the Word of God.  This does not mean you will magically unveil the particularities of the situation in an instant. But it does mean that the truth will be incrementally revealed in the context of the relationships you will be helping to assemble.  The process will help reveal the truth.”

 “Children raised witnessing abuse of a parent are lied to about the nature of human relationships, of gender roles, of authority, and especially of the character of God the Father.  This often results in significant dysfunction later in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.”

 Section 3: How to Care in the Long Term for Both the Victim and the Abuser. This section explains how to help the victim to overcome and be a victor in Christ, and also helps the reader to understand what trauma looks like and how it manifests in the body and soul.  

 Proverbs 26:24-26 “He that hateth dissembleth with his lips, and layeth up deceit within him; When he speaketh fair, believe him not: for there are seven abominations of his heart. Whose hatred is covered by deceit, his wickedness shall be shewed before the whole congregation.” 

 “With the victim’s permission, you can recruit help from professionals in your congregation– lawyers, bankers or real estate agents–as well as folks who have similar skill sets from related life experience.  Those who lend a hand will find themselves encouraged by the privilege of serving and invested in the good outcome for the victim.  This is another place where trained victim advocates can bless the church, the church staff, and the victim herself.  Train members to be advocates for the victims.”

 “Heart transformation for an abusive person involves helping him to change his ways of behaving.  Behavioral change is a short-term win that we will gladly take because it reduces the risk of someone being harmed, or even killed.  And that is a righteous goal.  Long-term transformation of an abusive heart, however, only occurs when the abuser’s corrupted perceptions change.  Both behavioral change and perceptual change are important, and should be pursued in tandem.”  

 “The pastor, church leader, counselor, or caring friend–operates as part of a team to care for an abuser as he walks out repentance, if he is willing, toward the end of becoming a servant and a person of peace.  There are no guarantees of success and the work is hard and frustrating.  It can also be dangerous.  Proceed with caution and, as always, with the advice of the victim who knows him best.  Remember that he will put his best foot forward for you.  Even when he is responding with hostility and combativeness, you are still likely getting a toned-down version of what is witnessed in the home.  Ask yourself, ‘If he is responding this defensively to me, how must he be responding behind closed doors?’

 At the end of the book are some Appendix. 

 Appendix A: FAQ’s on Domestic Abuse Care

Appendix B: FAQ’s on Separation, Divorce and Reunification After Abuse

Appendix C: National and State Domestic Violence Resouces

Appendix D: A Sample Church Domestic Abuse Policy

Appendix E: A Sample Role Description For a Domestic Abuse Care Advocate

Appendix F: When Wives Abuse Husbands

 “We want to end how we began: with some encouragement to you.  Remember that you are an agent of a love much bigger than you.  God’s love goes beyond sentiment, actually accomplishing good in someone else’s life.  By working through this book, you have shown dedication to the interests of someone who needs an advocate.  You are displaying God’s disposition toward hurting people.  This should encourage you greatly.  The love required to bring healing in this situation does not come from you.  You are just an agent of God’s love.  So love the one who is hurting and has been for a long time.  God will give you strength.”

 As someone still learning about domestic abuse (and we should all still be learning about it!), this book was a huge help to me. I refer to it often.  If you are a pastor, elder, or helper who feels overwhelmed and is not sure how to deal with domestic abuse, or even if you don’t feel overwhelmed but want to learn how to help more effectively, I encourage you to read this book.  A Band-Aid fix is sometimes tempting in domestic abuse situations, but God calls us to so much more and will hold us accountable for how we have helped or hindered the spiritual and emotional healing of the abused and the abuser.  The work is not easy and will require much prayer, faith, and time in His Word. Thanks be to God for His Word and also His provision of excellent resources such as When Home Hurts.

 

-reviewed by HAVEN staff