Oppression

 

This review first appeared in the February 15, 2023 issue of the Standard Bearer.  We thank Cherith for allowing us to republish it here.

There is a light shining on sexual abuse.  Scandals continue to leak.  Not just from “other churches,” but from within our own.  Articles have been written.  Videos, podcasts, and books are being watched, listened to, and read.  Churches are talking about and pursuing policies. 

Where there is still much room for growth and change, there are glimmers of hope for the spirits of those that have been scarred by the fires of sexual abuse.  Yet, after hearing the desperation, hopelessness, and shame of an abused wife bleed before me, I continue to believe more must be done regarding other forms of oppression, such as spousal abuse, as well.  Although there are many challenges surrounding cases of spousal abuse that can make it a difficult and intimidating topic to approach, they cannot deter us from speaking up against this sinister oppression.

Coming highly recommended by those specializing in the fields of trauma and abuse, Is it Abuse?  A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims by Darby Strickland, has proven to be one of the most comprehensive books on the subject I have read thus far.  Drawing from both statistics and personal experience, Darby’s writing is geared towards wives as the targets of oppression, although she realizes husbands can be victims as well.  The author aims to aid her readers in driving out sin and protecting the vulnerable.  

Throughout the book, Darby is purposeful in her use of the word oppression.  She explains, “I like to use the term oppression, since it provides a framework for this behavior that is addressed in Scripture and captures the domination that it involves.  No matter what form oppression takes, its intended outcome is the same: to punish and wound a victim so that an oppressor gets their world the way they want” (pg. 24).  Because abuse is easy to miss and even easier to minimize, Darby stresses the necessity of understanding the dynamics of abuse before attempting to rebuke oppressors and come alongside victims. 

Darby’s work describes the deceitful, self-justifying, and prideful hearts of abusers.  She states, “When we are trying to detect abuse, we cannot rely upon outward appearances, or what we think we know about someone” (pg. 33). She then goes on to explain, “What complicates matters is that our culture has bought into varying myths about why men abuse…He was abused as a child.  It’s just the liquor talking.  He can’t control his anger.  He can’t communicate and express emotions.  He was hurt by his last girlfriend and now fears intimacy.  He’s so in love that he’s afraid he will lose her…each of these excuses casts the abuser as being helpless.  They imply that his abusive behaviors are reactive—that he is out of control.  Nothing can be further from the truth.  Oppressors are not of control; they seek control…oppressors do not oppress because they are wounded or weak; they wound so that they can make their world the way that they want it” (pg. 34). 

Darby identifies toxic entitlement as the core of oppression, saying oppressors ultimately have a worship problem.  They “see themselves as the center of their world; their hearts say, ‘I was created to be worshipped, not to worship’” (pg. 71).

Strickland lays out physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse as five areas of oppression.  I especially appreciated her sections on uncovering sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse, as these can be more difficult to pinpoint. 

Sexual abuse includes “heinous and exploitive acts that involve sex being demanded, required, or taken by force” (pg. 346).  Also falling into this category are the unwanted intrusions and implements of pornography into sex, undesired sexual activities, peeking, and spying.  With statistics revealing the occurrence of sexual abuse in 40-45 percent of marriages that involve physical and verbal abuse, Darby expresses deep concern “that many in the church remain unaware that sexual abuse even occurs in Christian marriages” (pg. 163).  

When it comes to emotional abuse, Darby points out that it is one of the most subtle and difficult forms of abuse to recognize, and it should not come as a surprise that it can be more damaging than physical oppression.  Therefore, we must take the same amount of care in protecting wives from it.  “While physical abuse is marked by violent incidents, emotional abuse bleeds through an entire relationship.  It invades almost every conflict in the marriage and distorts the sufferer’s perception of herself and reality.  But more than that, it shapes how a victim thinks about herself” (pg. 187).  

Regarding spiritual abuse, Strickland urges us to be diligent in our attempts to uncover if a husband controls and dominates his wife using Scripture, doctrine, or his “leadership role.”  Since this oppression is easily masked as religious practice, victims rarely report it.  Spiritual abuse is profoundly wounding as it isolates victims from God and can even cause them to doubt their salvation.    

Darby does an excellent job of describing the effects and trauma abuse brings and gives sound advice on how to best interact with victims.  She says, “The most important thing for us to do is simple: listen…We listen well when we feel something of what victims feel—when we suffer with them…. As we listen, the stories that she tells should change and move us” (pg. 52).  

Darby indicates that many women do not even know they are being abused, and often rely on those around them for direction and diagnosis of the problem.  She emphasizes the importance of believing a wife when she finds the courage to come forward.  “Victims are more likely to cover up or downplay abuse than to make it up or exaggerate…In time, you will be able to verify the details of her story-but when she first starts to tell it to you, it is not the time to ask questions that focus on your disbelief or doubt.  Remember that victims tend to tell repetitive, sometimes incoherent, and circular stories.  This is an effect of trauma, so be careful not to discredit what they are saying by judging the way that they are saying it” (pg. 112-113).  

Darby also mentions the importance of having an advocate walk with victims to help them process through the experience and provide an element of comfort during meetings.  Although it will take pain and patience to disentangle an oppressed wife from an abuser, Darby encourages helpers never to tire of bringing a victim truth and hope.  She insightfully says, “I have grown to realize that the oppressed learn about the heart God has for them both experientially and propositionally—through both relational care and theological knowledge, as precious truths of Scripture are delivered through the warm words of a friend” (pg. 44).

Importantly highlighted in the book is that “Oppression is so much more than an anger problem or a marriage problem.  Oppression is about coercive control.  Oppressive behavior is not provoked.  It is behavior that accomplishes something for the abuser.  It is an expression of pernicious entitlement” (pg. 63).  

Darby cautions against the temptation to fall for false repentance and gives wise counsel as to what true sorrow looks like.  When measuring a man’s repentance, we must keep in mind “that his wife needs to verify whether it has occurred as well, so we need to involve her input when we are making our assessments” (pg. 298).  She writes that wives long for their husbands’ sorrow, and that although unbridled repentance is rare, it is not ultimately impossible.  Quoting from Chris Moles, Darby writes, “We ourselves do not need to answer the question, ‘Can abusers change?’ We must only seek to know ‘Will this abuser change?’  Each case requires you only to access if a particular abuser is earnestly engaging in the process of change and is demonstrating growth and repentance” (pg. 301).  The author also says, “It is important to note that husbands I have seen repent fully of abuse have had a team of people around them who all mirrored the same concern for the husbands’ hearts.  These teams worked hard to bring the husbands insight and to keep them focused on their sins.  They did not allow them to play the victim or to control the narrative of the process” (pg. 300).

Other strengths of the book include its many appendixes (including one on detecting red flags during dating, as well as one on a premarital assessment), case studies, screening questions, and a chapter on how to care for children.  Darby also references her small pamphlet Domestic Abuse: Recognize, Respond, Rescue (Resources for Changing Lives) that churches would do well to acquaint themselves with. 

The fact is, “there are many—too many—domestic abuse victims sitting in our pews” (pg. 27).  Where we cannot solve oppression, we can be used by our loving God, who always stands on the side of the oppressed.  The calling Darby sets before us is urgent, “God imparts to us clear and direct commands: give justice, maintain rights, rescue, and deliver.  These are not small things he is asking us to do…Victims should not be left without help and hope because we fail to see the unseen or do not know what to do.  God calls us not only to confront oppression but also to provide protection and care for the vulnerable…As the body of Christ, we simply cannot allow abuse to go unaddressed in our midst” (pg. 29). 

This book is a must-read for church leaders and members alike as it will assist in bringing oppressors proper admonition, and profitably tune our ears to care for the Shepherd’s wounded and bleating sheep.  Sheep who are worth everything.