Why Does He Do That

 

“Why Does He Do That': Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.”

by Lundy Bancroft"

Lundy Bancroft's book is an impactful and eye-opening exploration of abusive behavior and its complex psychology. This book will challenge preconceived notions and myths and shed light on the dynamics of abusive relationships. It is the most in-depth book on the minds of these angry and controlling men. It is written in such a way that it helps each of us to understand the true depravity of an abuser's heart and mind. 

Bancroft is empathetic and compassionate, providing a deep understanding of the mindset and patterns of abusive individuals. Drawing from his extensive experience as a counselor and advocate for domestic violence survivors, Bancroft offers invaluable insights that help victims recognize the signs of abuse and develop strategies for moving forward.

Warning and Disclosures: 

·         Secular Perspective: "Why Does He Do That" approaches the subject of abusive behavior from a secular standpoint. While it provides valuable insights and practical advice, it may not align with certain religious perspectives or teachings. It's important to be aware that the book does not explicitly explore abuse within the context of specific religious beliefs or scriptures.

·         Language and Content: The book discusses sensitive topics such as domestic violence, emotional abuse, and control tactics. It includes frank discussions about explicit language and abusive behavior, which may be uncomfortable or inappropriate for some readers.

How We Can Read and Apply "Why Does He Do That" in the Context of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the Depravity of Man

 

1.    Recognizing the Reality of Sin: 

The book highlights the destructive nature of abusive behavior, which manifests sin in relationships. By acknowledging the reality of sin and its impact on human behavior, we can better understand the need for redemption and transformation through Christ.

2.    Restoring Dignity and Value: 

Bancroft uses real-life stories to help illustrate the patterns of abusive behavior, making it easier for readers to recognize them in their own lives or those of their loved ones.

The Gospel teaches that every individual is created in the image of God and therefore deserves to be treated with worth and dignity. By addressing abuse and working towards its prevention and healing, we can reflect Christ's love by affirming the value of every person, both the victims and the perpetrators. This aligns with the Gospel message of redemption and restoration. 

3.    Encouraging Accountability and Repentance: 

One of the book's greatest strengths is its unwavering focus on the abuser's responsibility for their actions. Bancroft explains the common misconceptions that blame the victim or excuse the abuser, emphasizing that abusive behavior is a choice, not an uncontrollable impulse.  The Gospel calls us to take responsibility for our actions and seek repentance when we fall short. The book emphasizes the importance of abusers recognizing their harmful behavior, taking accountability, and seeking change. This parallels the Gospel's call for individuals to acknowledge their own sins, repent, and pursue a transformed life through Christ's grace. 

4.    Extending Grace and Forgiveness: 

While emphasizing the need for justice and protection for victims, the Gospel also teaches the power of forgiveness and reconciliation. We must have a Christ-centered approach to addressing abuse that involves extending grace and forgiveness to those who genuinely seek redemption while prioritizing the safety and well-being of victims. Bancroft brings the realities of the danger that victims are living in and helps us understand the need for safety for victims while we work with the perpetrators. 

5.    Fostering Healing and Restoration: 

The ultimate goal of addressing abuse aligns with the Gospel's message of healing and restoration. The book's emphasis on breaking the cycle of abuse, promoting healthy relationships, and supporting survivors resonates with the Gospel's call to bring healing to brokenness and offer hope for a transformed future. The book offers practical advice and steps for readers who want to support someone they suspect may be in an abusive relationship. Bancroft emphasizes the significance of compassion, understanding, and non-judgmental support, while also recognizing the limitations and challenges those trying to help face.

"Why Does He Do That" is a valuable resource that sheds light on the intricate dynamics of abusive relationships. Lundy Bancroft's compassionate approach and extensive knowledge and experience make this book a must-read for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of abuse.

Helpful Quotes From the Book

• “YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”

• “One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”

• “IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.”

• “HOW CAN I TELL IF A MAN I’M SEEING WILL BECOME ABUSIVE?

•       He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.

•       He is disrespectful toward you.

•       He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.

•       He is controlling.

•       He is possessive.

•       Nothing is ever his fault.

•       He is self-centered.

•       He abuses drugs or alcohol.

•       He pressures you for sex.

•       He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.

•       He intimidates you when he’s angry.

•       He has double standards.

•       He has negative attitudes toward women.

•       He treats you differently around other people.

•       He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

No single one of the warning signs above is a sure sign of an abusive man, with the exception of physical intimidation. Many non-abusive men may exhibit a number of these behaviors to a limited degree. What, then, should a woman do to protect herself from having a relationship turn abusive?

Although there is no foolproof solution, the best plan is:

1.    Make it clear to him as soon as possible which behaviors or attitudes are  unacceptable to you and that you cannot be in a relationship with him if they continue.

2.    If it happens again, stop seeing him for a substantial period of time. Don’t keep seeing him with the warning that this time you “really mean it,” because he will probably interpret that to mean that you don’t.

3.    If it happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors that are warning flags, chances are great that he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances, you are likely to regret it later.

4.    Finally, be aware that as an abuser begins his slide into abuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can’t imagine the problem might be with him. All he notices is that you don’t seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman.”

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