This is a difficult topic to address. Women abusing their husbands is extremely rare, for a variety of reasons. That’s not to say that it never happens. It’s just even more rare than you might think.
First, regarding a disclosure. The mantra is “always believe the victim”, and for good reason. But “how” the disclosure is made is one way to test whether a man is being truthful about being abused by his wife. If a disclosure is made in response to the woman disclosing (i.e. the wife comes forward to disclose abuse, and the husband says “well she’s actually the one abusing me”), then the “disclosure” is most likely a combination of deflection, denial, and blameshifting by the husband. An independent disclosure, rather than a "disclosure" made as a response to an allegation, is much less likely to be a deflection.
Second, remember that abuse, by definition, cannot be mutual. Abuse always includes a power and control dynamic. The oppressed cannot oppress their oppressor. The situation is either marriage problems or an abuse problem, but it is not both spouses abusing each other. We acknowledge that these dynamics are extremely complicated and that it takes wisdom (and sometimes much time) to discern what is really going on.
(A side note regarding “time will tell”: As an advocate, I have heard the accusation “but she’s actually abusing me” made by the husband in many cases after the wife discloses abuse. Given time, both parties reveal their hearts and the accusation of a female being the abusive one has never stuck. Again, that’s not to say it never happens, but I’ve been involved in this work for 10+ years and I still haven’t seen a proven case of a female spousal abuser.)
Third, regarding the power and control dynamic: This very reason is why female abusers are rare. Again, that’s not to say this phenomenon is non-existent. But consider that in almost every arena of life, a woman is in a power deficit. She is usually physically smaller and weaker than her husband. She frequently has less “financial power” because her husband is the breadwinner. She is told she must be silent in the church, and the concepts of headship and submission can be interpreted incorrectly to promote his power over her instead of power under her. All of these aspects of power in a marriage combine to keep her in a severe power deficit, which is why it is unlikely that she will be able to abuse her husband.
One area in which a woman could possibly hold power over her husband is in her intelligence and/or verbal/articulation skills. These very good gifts can sadly be misused, and she could wield her gifts against him to manipulate him. In this way, a woman could verbally and emotionally abuse her husband and seek to control him. This scenario is possible, but still extremely rare since a husband typically has more power in almost every other area of life. Further, a husband who is verbally attacked by his wife usually still has the physical and financial power to leave if he wants to. He is hurt, upset, or annoyed, but isn’t necessarily oppressed. Her behavior is sinful and wicked and must not be minimized in any way, but because it is missing the power imbalance, her abusive behavior does not have the same impact as when a husband abuses a wife.
A healthy and God-glorifying marriage is not a power struggle. We pray for the blessing of healthy, God-glorifying marriages in which neither party is seeking to control the other, but rather seeking the good of the other.
Here are some resources on the topic of female abusers in a marriage. (Note that these resources approach the subject from a variety of angles, and we remind you to read with discernment. You might not agree with everything in every article or podcast (and we might not either), but you can glean something helpful from each of the links.)
Two podcasts from Chris Moles:
A completely secular article about abusive wives:
This article which gets into the psychology of coercive control does talk about the male as the abuser, but some of these tactics can be utilized by female abusers:
Another article that clearly defines emotional abuse, and can be applied to both male and female abusers. “...if the intention of their actions is to exert control, take your power away, manipulate you, or retain you against your will, then that is abusive behavior.”
The book “When Home Hurts” has an entire appendix on female abusers and how to decipher and respond to this situation.
This book, written by multiple authors and edited by Chris Moles, has a fabulous explanation of why female abusers are an anomaly. If you message us directly, we can send you pictures of the pages (but also, we recommend this book in its entirety!).
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