Survival of Domestic Abuse

The following testimonial is written by a survivor of domestic abuse and shared here with permission:

Yesterday, I experienced the horror of a flashback. It was very real and hard. It still seems unnatural to be able to identify as a person with severe trauma that causes flashbacks and PTSD. My heart goes out to those who live with a nervous system forever changed by trauma.

I still had to fight back my tears the next morning when I played through the flashback again and processed what it meant. Though it was an emotional experience, it was also clarifying.

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend who was going through some trials of her own. She was telling me about a loved one of hers that she no longer felt safe around. She explained how she was nervous when this individual who she deeply cared for was walking behind her in the dark. She explained how she changed the way she was walking just to keep this individual in her line of vision. I started to tell her I understood how she felt…. And then what happened next was very unexpected.

A guttural cry arose from my body as my present self reconnected with my past self. I suddenly realized how many times I had to alter my own behavior so I could check to see if my husband was going to harm me. The years of physical abuse had left me controlled and scared. I had once already begged for my life when he had his hands around my throat. The thought of my children without a mother was seared in my memory from that incident of abuse. I made careful decision after careful decision to make sure there was a safe space between my husband and I. To make sure I de-escalated his temper. To make sure there was a door as an escape route if he came after me. To make sure my phone was nearby so that hopefully, I could call 9-1-1 if he made another attempt to hurt me.

But what was unique about this, was that it was my present self experiencing these emotions. When I lived with my husband, I didn’t experience the kind of cry that came bursting from my soul and body yesterday. So why did such intense emotions come through in that moment and not when I was constantly living in an abusive environment?

After dwelling in thought, I’ve come to realize I didn’t know how unsafe I was when I was living with him. He had acclimated me to his behavior over the years. I grew used to his anger and violent temperament. My present self was able to compare the two realities of how I felt when I live with my husband and how I feel after living separate for over a year now. Safety and peace in stark contrast to the daily trepidation of abuse, whether physical or verbal. Sadness crept into my mind over the next day after the flashback when I realized the depth of the evil I had endured for so long.

Presently, I am safe. Physically, emotionally, spiritually… safe.

I write these thoughts to share with that woman who is still wondering if it will be better to stay or to go. I write to that woman to urge her to go. Life will not be perfect on the other side. But you will be safe.