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Personal Testimony

The following is a testimony from a survivor of childhood sexual abuse:
“My abuse happened within the home, starting around the age of six or seven. I did immediately tell an adult family member, but because of my age, I wasn’t able to clearly describe what had happened. I wasn’t believed and my concerns were brushed off. Reactions like this by family members led me to believe that because no one seemed concerned or had a desire to help that I must deserve the abuse and I was better off keeping it hidden.
Around the age of 12, my mom caught the abuser in the act. I was so scared that I ran to the neighbors’ fearing I would get blamed. Apparently my mom had talked with the abuser, but she never came to get me from the neighbors. When I was so hungry I couldn’t stay away any longer, I went home to eat supper. The abuse was never talked about and life went on as normal. I again came to the conclusion that there was no use telling, since my mom had literally witnessed the abuse and said nothing. When a mother doesn’t address the fact that her daughter is being abused, I grew up thinking I was worth nothing, and again was led to believe that I had deserved it.
When my now husband and I were dating, I disclosed the abuse to him. Things were starting to get serious and I thought he should know in case he wanted to break up with me. Much to my surprise, he received it very well. We had discussed the abuse and we came up with a list of many fears that we worried might happen if I was to come forward. So with that, we decided we would keep the abuse hidden.
Many years later, the abuser was living a very wicked lifestyle. Family members were trying hard to figure out how to get the abuser the help that was needed. My husband and I felt that if we brought to light the abuse maybe that would help the abuser to heal. So we decided to tell just a few immediate family members. I immediately received a phone call from my mother saying “(The abuser) is here with me and is going to apologize to you. And when you get that apology, you better forgive!!” It was a shock. I had disclosed only a few moments ago and was already being forced to forgive. The abuser got on the phone, gave a drunken short apology, and I forgave him. I had to… I felt like there wasn’t any other choice. The abuse was not brought up again for a few years.
Without my knowledge or consent, one of my family members had told another woman about the abuse. This woman was very concerned about the allegations, the safety of the children at the church, and the abusers continued wicked lifestyle, so she told the consistory. The consistory called us that day and asked if the allegations were true. We were put in a very tough spot… should we lie? Or tell the truth? We told the truth and confirmed the allegations. The consistory must’ve called my parents immediately following that phone call, because my mom called shortly afterwards. She was screaming at me on the phone saying, “Why would you tell the consistory?! I thought we had this brushed under the rug years ago?!”
I’d love to be able to say that the list of fears my husband and I had made when we were dating didn’t come true…but unfortunately each one did, and then some. The abuser has continued his lies and manipulation, and has successfully turned my whole family against me and is now working on the consistory. I wouldn’t wish this amount of pain and suffering on anyone. Just when I was starting to feel worthy and loved, the abuser has taken it all away again.
I’m left to cling to God’s promise found in Joel 2:25 where He tells me, “I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten.” My heart is so grieved. After everything has been stripped away, I’m left with one hope and one hope only. It is not in any man or an institution, but in my faithful Shepherd. He is the only One wherein I can put my trust. He truly knows me, He will restore my broken soul, He will provide and grant me protection. He will keep me safe within His fold. What a great blessing and hope I have in Him, even when all seems so lost. When I’m tempted to feel overwhelmed by life’s unexpected sorrows, I’m reminded of my Shepherd's goodness, mercy, and love. Truly, my cup still overflows.”
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