Haven of Mercy

This is a difficult topic to address. Women abusing their husbands is extremely rare, for a variety of reasons. That’s not to say that it never happens. It’s just even more rare than you might think. First, regarding a disclosure. The mantra is “always believe the victim”, and for good reason. But “how” the disclosure is made is one way to test whether a man is being truthful about being abused by his wife. If a disclosure is made in response to the woman disclosing (i.e. the wife comes forward to disclose abuse, and the husband says “well she’s actually the one abusing me”), then the “disclosure” is most likely a combination of deflection, denial, and blameshifting by the husband. An independent disclosure, rather than a "disclosure" made as a response to an allegation, is much less likely to be a deflection. Second, remember that abuse, by definition, cannot be mutual. Abuse always includes a power and control dynamic. The oppressed cannot oppress their oppressor. ...

As we come to the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let's remember that truthful disclosure of your abuse is not gossip. Nor is it feminism, or a symbol of all women (or even one particular woman) rising up against all men. Nor does it mean that you don't love your husband, or that you just don't want to submit, or that you hate all men. Rather, truthful disclosure is: -a cry for help -a means of seeking spiritual, emotional, and physical protection from your abuser -a way to protect your children from being further exposed to this evil -a sign of being pushed to your breaking point -a way of requesting that the church do justice for the oppressed and love the perpetrator by confronting his sin -shining light on the darkness of hidden sins -loving your husband so much that you disclose as a first step to seeking help for him There are a multitude of reasons why a woman does not come forward (and this post is not intended to make her feel guilty for suffering silen...

The following testimonial is written by a survivor of domestic abuse and shared here with permission: Yesterday, I experienced the horror of a flashback. It was very real and hard. It still seems unnatural to be able to identify as a person with severe trauma that causes flashbacks and PTSD. My heart goes out to those who live with a nervous system forever changed by trauma. I still had to fight back my tears the next morning when I played through the flashback again and processed what it meant. Though it was an emotional experience, it was also clarifying. Yesterday, I was talking with a friend who was going through some trials of her own. She was telling me about a loved one of hers that she no longer felt safe around. She explained how she was nervous when this individual who she deeply cared for was walking behind her in the dark. She explained how she changed the way she was walking just to keep this individual in her line of vision. I started to tell her I understood how she felt...

Is it abuse? Have you ever asked yourself this question? It can be very difficult and confusing to untangle the web of abuse. Abuse can often look like many different things. It can look like two immature adults who can’t get along, and things just escalate. It can look like a marriage problem. It can look like the victim’s fault, look like she is the problem. It can look like stress, or depression, addiction and so much more. So how do we know? We must learn to be good listeners. We must learn the dynamics, the impacts, but most importantly we must learn to ask the right questions. We need to admit that we might not know how to determine what is really going on, and that we might need help. Asking the right questions and knowing how to listen is necessary to understand abuse, otherwise we are just well-intentioned people giving bad advice and causing more harm. This book has been recommended before, but a good place to learn to identify Domestic Abuse and help victims is Darby’s Stric...

  ~Warning Signs of Abuse in a Dating Relationship~ This is an account of a victim from a dating relationship. Names and some info have been changed for the sake of privacy. “When we first started dating everything was good. He was kind, he respected me, and we had a wonderful time together. Over time things gradually began to change. He started acting weird, and I would ask him, “why are you ignoring me? Did I do something?” He would always say something about me, something I had done or said, that caused his disinterest. There were a few times that I got really upset because he would flirt with other girls, but I never felt like I was able to confront him about it. But he would get really upset at me, if another guy talked to me, he would accuse me of flirting or being too friendly, which made me upset because that was not happening. After some time, he “broke up” with me. He said to me, let’s secretly date. By this point, I was willing to do nearly anything to make him happy. I...

Did you know that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime? (RESPOND Inc.) Did you know that 30% to 60% of intimate partner violence perpetrators also abuse children in the household? (National Domestic Violence Hotline) Did you know that leaving a domestic violence situation is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship? And that it takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave their abuser and stay separated for good? (RESPOND Inc.) These statistics speak for themselves. They are part of the reason that HAVEN of Mercy was formed. The people who formed HAVEN saw the importance and value of walking alongside the vulnerable sheep who are being abused in our midst. At HAVEN of Mercy, we have domestic abuse advocates that are ready to help you navigate the difficult trial that God has placed in your life. Our advocates are well trained in domestic abuse. They are aware that the life you are living right now is not the life that you h...

Advocates do not assume the role of savior, but rather, they point victims to their Savior by responding to the victim in ways that are in direct opposition to abuse. (Note: although this month we are focusing on spousal domestic abuse, the same idea can be applied to the interactions between sexual abuse victims and their advocates.) Abuse tears down…advocates build up. Abuse makes you feel crazy…advocates reassure the victim that she is not crazy and that her response is normal. Abuse is intentional shaming…advocates say “There is no shame in…” Abuse is domination and control…advocates say “Would you like me to…?” and “You are in the drivers’ seat.” and “What do you think about…?” Abuse is deception and lies…advocates speak truth and interact with integrity. Abuse is darkness…advocates help the victim bring abuse into the light. Abuse is manipulation…advocates never use the vulnerability of the victim to “gain the upper hand” or control/direct her life. Abuse makes you feel as if yo...