Haven of Mercy

The following is a testimony from a survivor of childhood sexual abuse: “My abuse happened within the home, starting around the age of six or seven. I did immediately tell an adult family member, but because of my age, I wasn’t able to clearly describe what had happened. I wasn’t believed and my concerns were brushed off. Reactions like this by family members led me to believe that because no one seemed concerned or had a desire to help that I must deserve the abuse and I was better off keeping it hidden. Around the age of 12, my mom caught the abuser in the act. I was so scared that I ran to the neighbors’ fearing I would get blamed. Apparently my mom had talked with the abuser, but she never came to get me from the neighbors. When I was so hungry I couldn’t stay away any longer, I went home to eat supper. The abuse was never talked about and life went on as normal. I again came to the conclusion that there was no use telling, since my mom had literally witnessed the abuse and said...

The following is a testimony of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse: “For a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, there are many different answers to the questions of “why did you disclose“ and “why now and not years ago.” It’s complicated and it will look different for every single survivor. I can attempt to explain what this looked like for me as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a school teacher/coach. It is very rare that a minor will disclose sexual abuse as it’s happening or soon after the abuse stops. Generally a survivor doesn’t disclose until well into adulthood. That was my experience. I was sexually abused when I was in 8th and 9th grades. When I graduated junior high and began high school, I desperately wanted to be and feel normal. I wanted to fit in. The last thing I wanted was for fellow students to know I had been sexually abused. High school was hard enough and there was no way I was going make it harder by disclosing. At that time in my life, I rarely thought abo...

The following testimony regarding disclosure is shared with permission. Praising God with this survivor for the love and support she has received. I disclosed my sexual abuse to my husband before we were married. At the time I didn’t label it as sexual abuse, although now I know that is the proper terminology. I’m not exactly sure what I called it. Maybe we briefly talked about it throughout our marriage, but I don’t know for sure. If it entered my mind it was something that I brought to God in a plea, “Please make me stop thinking about this. I don’t want it to even enter my mind. Please, God, help me.” Fast forward to the past couple of years and it did become something my husband and I talked about, just a teeny tiny bit. I distinctly remember telling my husband I would take this to my grave and not tell anyone. But, God’s ways are higher than mine. He knew my future and lovingly guided me to a time when it became clear that I had to tell a couple of family members what happened t...

A number of years ago I never would have imagined that anyone I knew would ever tell me that they experienced child sexual abuse. Maybe that has been your thought too? And then it happened. I remember not feeling prepared at all and not knowing how to respond. But I knew I wanted to learn. Now I want to share what I have learned with you. First, their disclosure is not about you. This is their experience and their life; don’t make it about you. Listen to them. It is their story to tell with the details they want to give. Be compassionate. Respond with love and humility. Cry with them. Tell them the abuse was not their fault. Ask your friend if he/she is safe, and if necessary help him/her to get to safety. Be a friend. Be interested in them as a whole person. Ask them about the things that brought them joy today and what they care about. Pray. Don’t rely on your own strength or understanding but turn to God and His word. Learn. Taking the initiative and taking the time to learn a...

  Did you know that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18?* Did you know that 91% of childhood sexual abuse victims are abused by someone known and trusted by the child’s family? Did you know that in the United States, 1 in 5 women will be raped in their lifetime? Did you know that in 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator? During the month of November, HAVEN of Mercy’s Facebook page will be focusing on sexual abuse. Sometimes it's tempting to think of sexual abuse as something that happens "out there", but sadly, the statistics are an accurate representation of the church population as well. But there is hope. Our ultimate hope is in our Savior Who can turn the hearts of perpetrators and Whose Word can comfort the hearts of the oppressed. Our wise Father also graciously provides a multitude of resources so that we can better understand the dynamics and impacts of sexual abuse, and therefore learn how to respond to the...

This is a difficult topic to address. Women abusing their husbands is extremely rare, for a variety of reasons. That’s not to say that it never happens. It’s just even more rare than you might think. First, regarding a disclosure. The mantra is “always believe the victim”, and for good reason. But “how” the disclosure is made is one way to test whether a man is being truthful about being abused by his wife. If a disclosure is made in response to the woman disclosing (i.e. the wife comes forward to disclose abuse, and the husband says “well she’s actually the one abusing me”), then the “disclosure” is most likely a combination of deflection, denial, and blameshifting by the husband. An independent disclosure, rather than a "disclosure" made as a response to an allegation, is much less likely to be a deflection. Second, remember that abuse, by definition, cannot be mutual. Abuse always includes a power and control dynamic. The oppressed cannot oppress their oppressor. ...

As we come to the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let's remember that truthful disclosure of your abuse is not gossip. Nor is it feminism, or a symbol of all women (or even one particular woman) rising up against all men. Nor does it mean that you don't love your husband, or that you just don't want to submit, or that you hate all men. Rather, truthful disclosure is: -a cry for help -a means of seeking spiritual, emotional, and physical protection from your abuser -a way to protect your children from being further exposed to this evil -a sign of being pushed to your breaking point -a way of requesting that the church do justice for the oppressed and love the perpetrator by confronting his sin -shining light on the darkness of hidden sins -loving your husband so much that you disclose as a first step to seeking help for him There are a multitude of reasons why a woman does not come forward (and this post is not intended to make her feel guilty for suffering silen...