Haven of Mercy

This is a difficult topic to address. Women abusing their husbands is extremely rare, for a variety of reasons. That’s not to say that it never happens. It’s just even more rare than you might think. First, regarding a disclosure. The mantra is “always believe the victim”, and for good reason. But “how” the disclosure is made is one way to test whether a man is being truthful about being abused by his wife. If a disclosure is made in response to the woman disclosing (i.e. the wife comes forward to disclose abuse, and the husband says “well she’s actually the one abusing me”), then the “disclosure” is most likely a combination of deflection, denial, and blameshifting by the husband. An independent disclosure, rather than a "disclosure" made as a response to an allegation, is much less likely to be a deflection. Second, remember that abuse, by definition, cannot be mutual. Abuse always includes a power and control dynamic. The oppressed cannot oppress their oppressor. ...

As we come to the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let's remember that truthful disclosure of your abuse is not gossip. Nor is it feminism, or a symbol of all women (or even one particular woman) rising up against all men. Nor does it mean that you don't love your husband, or that you just don't want to submit, or that you hate all men. Rather, truthful disclosure is: -a cry for help -a means of seeking spiritual, emotional, and physical protection from your abuser -a way to protect your children from being further exposed to this evil -a sign of being pushed to your breaking point -a way of requesting that the church do justice for the oppressed and love the perpetrator by confronting his sin -shining light on the darkness of hidden sins -loving your husband so much that you disclose as a first step to seeking help for him There are a multitude of reasons why a woman does not come forward (and this post is not intended to make her feel guilty for suffering silen...

The following testimonial is written by a survivor of domestic abuse and shared here with permission: Yesterday, I experienced the horror of a flashback. It was very real and hard. It still seems unnatural to be able to identify as a person with severe trauma that causes flashbacks and PTSD. My heart goes out to those who live with a nervous system forever changed by trauma. I still had to fight back my tears the next morning when I played through the flashback again and processed what it meant. Though it was an emotional experience, it was also clarifying. Yesterday, I was talking with a friend who was going through some trials of her own. She was telling me about a loved one of hers that she no longer felt safe around. She explained how she was nervous when this individual who she deeply cared for was walking behind her in the dark. She explained how she changed the way she was walking just to keep this individual in her line of vision. I started to tell her I understood how she felt...

Is it abuse? Have you ever asked yourself this question? It can be very difficult and confusing to untangle the web of abuse. Abuse can often look like many different things. It can look like two immature adults who can’t get along, and things just escalate. It can look like a marriage problem. It can look like the victim’s fault, look like she is the problem. It can look like stress, or depression, addiction and so much more. So how do we know? We must learn to be good listeners. We must learn the dynamics, the impacts, but most importantly we must learn to ask the right questions. We need to admit that we might not know how to determine what is really going on, and that we might need help. Asking the right questions and knowing how to listen is necessary to understand abuse, otherwise we are just well-intentioned people giving bad advice and causing more harm. This book has been recommended before, but a good place to learn to identify Domestic Abuse and help victims is Darby’s Stric...

  ~Warning Signs of Abuse in a Dating Relationship~ This is an account of a victim from a dating relationship. Names and some info have been changed for the sake of privacy. “When we first started dating everything was good. He was kind, he respected me, and we had a wonderful time together. Over time things gradually began to change. He started acting weird, and I would ask him, “why are you ignoring me? Did I do something?” He would always say something about me, something I had done or said, that caused his disinterest. There were a few times that I got really upset because he would flirt with other girls, but I never felt like I was able to confront him about it. But he would get really upset at me, if another guy talked to me, he would accuse me of flirting or being too friendly, which made me upset because that was not happening. After some time, he “broke up” with me. He said to me, let’s secretly date. By this point, I was willing to do nearly anything to make him happy. I...

Did you know that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime? (RESPOND Inc.) Did you know that 30% to 60% of intimate partner violence perpetrators also abuse children in the household? (National Domestic Violence Hotline) Did you know that leaving a domestic violence situation is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship? And that it takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave their abuser and stay separated for good? (RESPOND Inc.) These statistics speak for themselves. They are part of the reason that HAVEN of Mercy was formed. The people who formed HAVEN saw the importance and value of walking alongside the vulnerable sheep who are being abused in our midst. At HAVEN of Mercy, we have domestic abuse advocates that are ready to help you navigate the difficult trial that God has placed in your life. Our advocates are well trained in domestic abuse. They are aware that the life you are living right now is not the life that you h...

Advocates do not assume the role of savior, but rather, they point victims to their Savior by responding to the victim in ways that are in direct opposition to abuse. (Note: although this month we are focusing on spousal domestic abuse, the same idea can be applied to the interactions between sexual abuse victims and their advocates.) Abuse tears down…advocates build up. Abuse makes you feel crazy…advocates reassure the victim that she is not crazy and that her response is normal. Abuse is intentional shaming…advocates say “There is no shame in…” Abuse is domination and control…advocates say “Would you like me to…?” and “You are in the drivers’ seat.” and “What do you think about…?” Abuse is deception and lies…advocates speak truth and interact with integrity. Abuse is darkness…advocates help the victim bring abuse into the light. Abuse is manipulation…advocates never use the vulnerability of the victim to “gain the upper hand” or control/direct her life. Abuse makes you feel as if yo...

Advocates can help domestic abuse victims in many ways. (Although an advocate in a conservative church community probably wouldn’t help a victim purchase a bus pass, she might help arrange transportation in other ways such as finding rides for kids to and from counseling, or connecting the victim with a free oil change.) The graphic encompasses the two ways we can think about advocacy. An advocate is a “really educated friend” and an advocate often acts as a case manager. An advocate is not a counselor, but a domestic abuse advocate is trained in and familiar with the dynamics and impacts of domestic abuse…which is why we say they are “a really educated friend”. An advocate is there to help you process your feelings and offer an outside perspective, which can often lend clarity to the issue at hand. An advocate will not give instructions to the victim or make decisions for her, rather, the advocate will offer options, choices, and information, and only share opinions or advice if a...

How do you know if you are in immediate danger in your relationship? While any abusive relationship could turn violent and lethal at any time, there are some red flags to be aware of that require some urgency. Violence in a relationship does not always follow a specific pattern or order but there are a few signs of imminent deadly violence to be aware of: Has your partner threatened to use a weapon, or has he hurt you with a weapon? Has your partner threatened to kill you? Has your partner strangled you? Has your partner threatened or tried to kill himself? Does your partner spy on you, follow you, and stalk you? Has your spouse forced you to have sex when you did not want to? Has your partner increased the frequency or intensity of his violence in the last year? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, the need for a safety plan is critical. Please reach out to a HAVEN advocate at dahelp@havenofmercypr.org and they will help you create a safety plan. The National Domestic Viol...

Abuse can take many different forms. It doesn’t always look like physical violence. This is a real-life example of a repeated incident in a victim’s life that she shared. “We would go out with family and friends, and we made it always appear to everyone that all is well. But the car door would shut to leave, and the barrage of attacks would begin. He would begin yelling at me, telling me how I embarrassed him, criticizing how I dressed, yelling at me for how I acted, how I talked or didn’t talk. He made me feel crazy and no matter how hard I tried I never could please him. I started to believe the things he said about me and started to shut down.” This one example of many demonstrates what goes on when no one is looking, how subtle abuse can be, and the power it has to destroy a person and their personhood.

Counseling is typically an amazing resource for domestic abuse survivors. However, some counselors are not trained in the dynamics of abuse. Here are three "reasons" that might be suggested by the counselor for the abuse: 1. He must have been stressed out from work. 2. He is depressed or has some other disorder. 3. Did you do something to provoke him? Is the house clean when he gets home? Are you nagging him? And so many more examples. Stress, depression, or even someone else’s behavior is never the reason someone is abused. No one deserves to be abused, no matter how difficult they are. Using stress, depression, being provoked etc. as an excuse adds to the harm being done to the victim and fuels the abuser’s belief that he has the right to continue in such behavior. Victims need to be told, “It’s not your fault,” as many abusers often blame their victim for their abuse. P.S. If your counselor suggests or implies that there are "valid" reasons for your abuse, we...

Sometimes we wonder, "Why doesn't she just leave?" This post is heart-wrenching but accurately portrays the realities of this extremely difficult decision. Praying for safety, wisdom, and discernment for all the daughters of the King who daily struggle with this decision. Wʜʏ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ sʜᴇ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ? Because he has her so brainwashed that it’s all her fault and that she’s no good to anyone and no one will want her or love her and there’s no way she can possibly make it on her own. Wʜʏ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ sʜᴇ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ? Because she thinks that if she just tries harder and if she’s a better wife and a better mom that maybe he will be happy with her and he wouldn’t get so angry with her. And maybe he will be the same sweet, charming man that he was when they first met. Wʜʏ ᴅᴏᴇsɴ’ᴛ sʜᴇ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ? Because he has her convinced that if she tries he will hurt or kill her or her family. Because he has threatened to tell the judge that she is a bad mom and will take away her kids and she will never see the...

  Can reckless driving be considered abusive? Consider the following real-life scenarios, shared with permission by survivors of domestic abuse. (Minor details have been changed in order to protect the identity of these survivors.) **Scenarios shared here may be triggering to victims and survivors** Scenario 1: Husband and wife are in a vehicle on their way to a social gathering, with husband driving. Husband starts a discussion about how wife is not "repentant enough" or "sorry enough" for a recent offense. He continually berates her and demands a different response. Husband refuses to drive them to their destination and instead takes them on a one-hour detour, all the while demanding she do/say what he wants her to do/say. Wife is completely helpless, has no idea where they are anymore, and is reduced to begging her husband to just drive directly to their destination. Breakdown: Husband is essentially using his place in the driver's seat to control hi...

  When Home Hurts by Jeremy Pierre and Gregg Wilson     Jeremy Pierre, Ph.DLawrence & Charlotte Hoover Professor of Biblical Counseling and Department Chair at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.     Gregg Wilson, D.Ed.Min., LPC, is a licensed professional counselor and leads Soul Care Associates, a counseling and consulting practice in Texas.  His practice areas include counseling victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse and consulting with leaders of churches and other organizations on adopting best practices for care.   This book is a guide for responding wisely to domestic abuse in your church and was written by experienced church leaders FOR church leaders.  The authors look at abuse from a Biblical perspective and give a step by step guide from the moment of disclosure to confronting and working with the accused.  “Our goal is not just to call you as a church leader, friend, or family member to be involved, but to sho...

  October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month. In this episode of The PeaceWorks Podcast, pastor, domestic abuse counselor and author, Chris Moles unpacks the question, “Where does abusive behavior come from?” To do this he takes a look at Luke 6:43-45, which gives the analogy of tree. A tree is known by its fruit; a good tree produces good fruit and a bad tree produces bad fruit. So too with mankind; a good man brings forth good and an evil man evil, and the source of these behaviors are “the treasures of his heart;” that is, the beliefs and desires stored within his heart. The heart is the seat of our intellect and will. It’s the essence of who we truly are (Prov. 17:19). It’s the command center of our lives, out of which our choices and behaviors flow (Proverbs 4:23). Where does abusive behavior come from then? From the heart (Matthew 7:21). Abuse is conceived in the heart (James 1:15). A corupted heart. One that desires and believes it’s entitled to use power (strength, authority...